


Lost Myself Again

by sparkinside (boomersoonerash)



Series: Twelve Days of Ficmas [8]
Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anthem Era, Arguing, Brother/Sister Incest, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Community: comment_fic, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depression, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Gift Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Incest, Kissing, Marijuana, Past Sexual Abuse, Phone Calls & Telephones, Prompt Fic, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 22:21:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8941657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomersoonerash/pseuds/sparkinside
Summary: Zac is still recovering from the past secrets that have been exposed in the past year. But can he really do that when everyone literally has their own opinions and judgements?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Day 8 of 12 days of ficmas. This fic is really dark so please take to heart the tags.
> 
> written for this prompt on comment fic: author's choice, incest of author's choice, there's no one else to trust

Zac who had been busy in his office working on designs for new Christmas merch to release next year, stretched some in his seat before standing up and walking down the hall.

His stomach growling slightly to let him know he was hungry and the thought of lunch from Dilly Deli actually sounded nice. It was been awhile since he had it or even Taco Bueno, seeing as Kate had finally gotten back into cooking since giving birth to Lucille and she now made him pack leftovers.

But Kate wasn't home this week. She had gone off to Alabama for a semi early Christmas gathering with her family and while Zac had felt guilty missing, he hadn't felt that guilty.

Not when he knew her absence meant that he was free to do whatever he wanted because his wife could be kind of a stickler for rules that she made him follow just like she made their kids follow.

Which Zac usually followed them. It was just how he was and he knew the reason behind it. He was used to being told what to do. Had been since he was little and his father had made him do things he hadn't wanted to do.

Things like having sex with his much younger sister while their father filmed it and then sold or posted those videos online.

Something that had been a secret even long after it had stopped when Avery turned thirteen and Zac was eighteen. An adult who could say no and had finally said no in the form of a physical fight with their dad.

Had been a secret until just last year when the FBI had done a huge bust on a child pornography ring and their father had been caught and all of the past secrets had came out, which of course the media had loved because the perfect squeaky clean Hanson family wasn't so perfect.

No media person hadn't taken into account that by their twenty-four seven news coverage they could ruin lives. Had ruined lives because Kate while she still loved him, had become distant. Always looking at him as if he was dirty as well as treating him as more of a child than a husband.

Like if she did that she could fix the parts of him that hadn't fully healed. Parts of him that he had kept secret from her.

Just like she had also probably realized now why he and Avery were so close. She had always used to joke that Zac and Avery were as close as husband and wife sometimes and now she knew why. Knew the dirty little secret of why her husband was closest to Avery more so than anyone else sibling wise.

But Kate wasn't the only one who was treating him differently. The rest of his siblings also now looked at Zac and Avery differently. He knew some blamed them. Zoe had said as much when it became apparent their father would more than likely be spending the rest of his life in jail.

Zoe had said that their father had changed and didn't everyone deserve a second chance? How could Avery and Zac have willingly testified at his trial to put him away. How could they willing even agree to keep being filmed the older they got?

Others though had accused them of more. Of keeping up their sexual relationship even long after their dad had stopped filming them. Said they probably had liked it enough to keep doing that.

The fans were a different story. Some had just stopped being fans and others had showed support but obviously they didn't know the correct ways because the last thing he had wanted was the heaps of private messages he had received on the band's website after everything.

Then there were also indeed some fans that just like some of his siblings believed that Avery and Zac had continued what they had been taught and coerced to do. Have sex with each other.

It was a claim Zac didn't deny or even confirm. Not even last week when a magazine had, had the balls to publish an interview with their father where he had made claims that over the years after everything he had done that he had caught them in the act.

After that interview had been published was when Kate had made the decision to go to Alabama alone and Zac had let her. Knowing if he did he'd just be faced with everything he already faced at home. So of course he was guilty he couldn't go because of missing precious time with his children.

But then again he was also not as guilty because it meant no more of the same old shit as well as Kate treating him like a child who needed discipline or rules. Instead of her husband who was her equal.

Shaking his head as he came out of his thoughts, Zac turned to look at Jessica who was sitting at a desk more than likely going over the customer service aspects of fan club stuff.

"I'm taking lunch early if Taylor and Isaac come out of the studio," Zac spoke knowing his brothers had been locked in there all day arguing over a direction of a song and Zac hadn't wanted to play mediator or even listen so he had opted out of being in the studio and had chosen to spend the day in his office going over Christmas merch ideas.

Jessica looked up from her computer to give Zac a nod but instead of turning back to her computer she looked at Zac apprehensively.

"Avery called," Jessica started as she heaved a sigh. As if she was reluctant to say whatever she had to say. "She said she needs a place to stay while she's in for a few days to visit mom."

Zac nodded his head at that and Jessica's reluctance made sense now. She was one of the ones who had suspected that they were still sleeping together and she figured Avery asking to stay there especially since it was a known fact that Kate was out of town would mean that they were going to be having sex.

Obviously what Jessica didn't understand was that Avery couldn't stay with their mom. Not when Zoe stayed at home and made things difficult nor when their mom's depression over things like not knowing and feeling guilty for still loving their dad also made things difficult and so it was easier for her to stay elsewhere.

Not having to listen to Zoe bitch or their mom cry.

"I'll call her back then," Zac said with a forced smile. "Thanks for letting me know," he finished before turning to leave and head outside to his truck. Knowing he'd more than likely call Avery back before he even drove away to go and get lunch.

***

Holding the phone to his ear a few hours later, Zac sighed as he leaned back against the couch listening to his wife talk. She had called him not long after he had walked in the door because of course she had his work hours meticulously stored away somewhere in her brain.

"So it's true what Jessie said then?" Kate asked curiously over the phone lines. "She's staying at our house?" she questioned her voice going soft on the second one.

Zac looked over at Avery who was sitting beside him on the couch, her hair thrown back into a messy ponytail and a tank top and pajama pants being what she had changed into after her shower which she had finished while Zac was on the phone.

"Yes, she's staying here," Zac confirmed with a nod of his head even though Kate couldn't see him and after he said that, he watched as Avery turned her head to look at him. Obviously knowing that they were talking about her.

Kate heaved a soft sigh, "The things your father said in that interview are true then aren't they Zac?" she asked with a condescending tone. "You're really still having sex with her consensually even with your father not forcing you."

Zac went silent at her accusations. Kate taking that as a sign of his answer because she continued talk after a few minutes.

"That's sick," she muttered out. "To still take advantage of your sister after the fact. You know she probably feels as if she has to have sex with you. She probably really doesn't want it. You're just as bad as your father and you should be in jail," she finally finished and by the time she was done she had so much venom in her words.

Words that had cut Zac and made tears well up in his eyes because he was nothing like his dad or at least he didn't think he was.

"Yeah, yeah I know Kathryn," Zac replied back just as rudely. Feeling as if this phone conversation had changed a lot in his marriage. "I'll talk to you later though when things are different," he sighed before hanging up the phone and then laying it down on the table.

Zac wasn't sure things would ever be different enough though with them so they probably wouldn't talk the rest of the time she was away and he was already dreading the conversation when she came home.

"You want to talk about?" Avery asked bringing him out of his thoughts. "You just look like you could use someone to listen."

Shaking his head, Zac stood from the couch, "What I need is to just get high and be alone for awhile," he muttered out feeling guilty for how rude he had sounded with her. How he had turned down her offer to talk but Kate's words had gotten to him.

Made him wonder if he was like their dad. If he was just as much of a monster as their dad could be. If he truly was taking advantage of Avery and if everyone else believed the same.

After leaving Avery alone in the living room he headed downstairs towards his music room where he kept his hidden stashes of pot so Kate wouldn't find them. Though honestly he figured by now she had and just luckily had never said anything to him.

***

Zac wasn't sure how long he had been downstairs in his music room. What he was sure of though was the fact that he had finished a half a bowl of weed by himself and he was feeling pretty good though he still had Kate's words in his head. Comparing him to his dad.

He also soon became aware of another presence in the room and eventually he lifted his head from the notebook where he was writing to see Avery standing in the doorway.

"Can I come in?" she asked him warily as their eyes connected and Zac hated how she seemed wary on coming in.

That she was that way because of him and how he had snapped at her earlier.

"Yeah," Zac nodded his head as he watched Avery walk into the room almost hesitantly and when she reached the couch he reached out for her hand, which he took in his own, squeezing it softly. "I'm sorry," he apologized with a slight frown. "I shouldn't have jumped on you earlier."

Avery shook her head as she squeezed his hand back, "It's fine," she stated though Zac knew it was anything but fine. "I know it was something she said."

"It was," Zac confirmed as he let go of Avery's hand. "She thinks we're...that I'm having sex with you and she thinks that I'm just like dad for it. That I'm taking advantage of you and you don't want it."

Watching as Avery frowned at his words and looked away from him he was sure his heart had been kicked again as a million thoughts ran through his head.

Like maybe that she too thought he was like their dad.

"Am I like him Avery?" Zac asked her softly almost scared of her reaction. "Do I....when we make love do I...am I making you do it? Are you afraid to say no?"

Avery finally turned to look at him with a shake of her head, "Is that what you think you do now? Just because Kate says it," she spoke sounding harsh. "Because it's not true," she said with a shake of her head. "You've never made me do anything that I don't want. You're the only one I can trust. There's no one else I can trust but you," she stated as she frowned slightly. "You never would hurt me. You never have even during everything," she whispered as she moved a bit closer to Zac now. "You always used to check on me and make sure I was okay," she spoke as her frown remained. "You kissed me where I hurt and made me feel better," she said reminding him of all the times he'd go to her room after their dad had filmed them.

How he'd ask her how she was and how when she complained of hurting between her legs because their dad just wouldn't let them go slow, Zac would drop to his knees and kiss her or lick at her softly until she had truly came undone beneath him.

"You always take care of me and if you ever think you're like him or that you're hurting me you are wrong," Avery nodded her head and maybe her words sat Zac's mind at ease some.

Zac nodded his head, "If you say so," he told her as they locked eyes at his words.

"I don't just say so, I know so," Avery smiled though it was a sad one. "You never hurt me and you never will," she said before leaning in to kiss him on the lips.

A kiss that Zac returned slowly and maybe if Avery kept telling him that he wasn't hurting her, maybe he'd eventually believe her but for now it was hard when Kate's words were fresh in his ears and mind too.


End file.
